A Real Man's Life

Joe Biden's Inner Monologue When a Foreign Dignitary Visits the White House

2011-08-14T11:55:00.000-07:00

Don’t let them treat you like this Joe! You’re not some idiot who lucked out. You’re no dunce! Heck, you know what a dunce is. Dunces don’t know what a dunce is. You’re Joe “Mother Flippin’” Biden and you’re the tops!

You don’t have to know about “World Politics” to be have dinner with foreign dignitaries! All Michelle does is tell kids not to be fat and she gets to have dinner with them! I could do that, but I accept people for who they are. I don’t judge them. She’s a fatist and no one says anything! I confuse Afghanistan and Colorado once and it’s all over! I tell one Saudi Prince that Prince is the only Prince I respect and all of a sudden I can't eat dinner outside of this room! “Biden is a dummy!” I’ll show you who’s a dummy you dunces!

Let’s see who’s laughing when they find out I’m the one who has been peeing in the corner of the oval office.

I’m bored! No one lets me do ANYTHING! It’s like, at least buy me some more G.I. Joes if you’re going to lock me in the Lincoln bedroom this much! Also, I don’t like it in here, I keep thinking about Lincoln making whoopie, except right as he “good-feeling-shivers” his head explodes. Also, pretty sure there are ghosts in here.

Speaking of ghosts, what if ghosts were really just invisible aliens? Holy Toledo! That would be flippin’ crazy! I mean like, insane crazy! Like insane, crazy nuts! I have to tell the President about this! We need teams working on this and we need them working on it now!

Oh no! If the public finds out about ghost aliens that’s going to be the end of it… or is it? By gum Joe Biden, I think you’re on to something. We let the public know about the alien ghosts and that takes their mind off of the failing economy. People stock up on goods like crazy and the economy is fixed… all thanks to Joe “Mother Flippin’” Biden.

I must tell the President now! Gosh darn it, the door's locked! Oh, hey, stickers!

Game Over Allen

2011-02-13T09:20:00.000-08:00

"Look, Allen, could you please pause the video game for a second? I have something I want to say."
"Let me just get to the next save point and we can talk then."
"Fuck it. Look, Allen, you're a great guy and all, but you play too many video games. It's almost as though I don't exist when they're on..."
*Slow breakup drone continues as Allen tunes it out*
Oh no, she's breaking up with me. Wait, maybe this is just a real life cutscene. Yeah, it looks like she's going to break up with me but I just have to pust the right "button" at the right time and we stay together. It's probably X. It's always X the first time. What's the equivalent of X in real life? God, this is so nerve racking. If I had to do this every day, waiting, listening... I'd kill myself. Oh! I got it! X=Love.
*Slowly tuned back in"
"... I have needs Allen. I get hit on at work every night and I bush them off, for what? For you to ignore me while you kill-"
"I love you."
"I love you too Allen but I need more than love for me to..."
*MUTE*
Okay, the cutscene's still going so that must have been the right button. That means one more button to press at the right time and it's over. I've made it through this unharmed. What button's next?
*UNMUTE*
"...something like foreplay. Paying attention to me would also help. I don't need it all the time but every..."
*Lower volume*
Just show me what button I need to press! Come on! This is taking forever! Fuck it, I'm going to try and skip the cutscene.
"Adriana, will you marry me?"
"What the fuck Allen? You're so fucking stupid. You haven't heard anything I've been saying, have you? I'm leaving! We're done!"
*Fast walk out the door*
Fuck! I pressed the wrong button! I hate cutscenes so much!
*Unpause*

I'm Really Sorry

2011-02-12T18:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Mike's Family,

I assume you're all dead, seeing as the zombie (Is it zombie, or Zombie? I never know! Bah!) apocalypse is upon us. I am leaving this note just incase any of you have the means and skill to stay alive.

If they ever find a cure to change people back from being a zombie (Zombie?), I want to apologize for blowing Mike's head off. There is no way he's coming back from that... unless they find a way to regenerate heads, in which case, I'm not sorry. Please know how remise I am about using your brand new automen cushion to silence the shotgun blast that blew your son's/brother's brains all over the rest of the automen. Also, sorry I yelled, "That's for the Ottoman Empire!" after I did it. I watch too many action movies and it really wasn't relavent. On a lighter note, I know an awesome upholstery guy (If he's still alive) who can fix that.

The shed I am kind of sorry about, but honestly, you guys just threw tools in there anyway. Oh! That reminds me, I borrowed your machete and chainsaw. They're both like brand new! Linda, did Craig do any of the housework or did he just hire people to do it? Would have been good practice for killing zombies (Zombies?). Anyway, the shed, sorry. I took it apart and boarded up all the windows... you're welcome.

Oh! Almost forgot! Mrs. Parson, I don't know how good of a friend you were with Susan from down the street but I shot her from the window. I feel bad because she wasn't a zombie (I'm going with no capitalization from now on. Just decided that) at the time. It was in the first few days. She was frantic and seeing as she had all that work done on her face, I really couldn't tell if she was a zombie or not. If you come into contact with any of her family, let them know I'm really sorry. If you could leave out the whole her not being a zombie part, that would be great!

Hope you guys are doing well! I'm off to the police station to see if there's any guns left there.

-Steve

Art Garfunkel Gets Pumped To Write A Song

2011-02-06T19:17:00.000-08:00

Listen Art, you're great, maybe the greatest, no one can prove you're not. You can do this. You can write a great song. You're the reason Simon and Garfunkel excelled! Sure, you didn't write any of the lyrics or compose any of the music, but at least you're happy. Paul's not happy. Paul cries at night. He cries like a baby that wants to be you. The reason Paul can write all those great songs is because he's trying to be you. He reaches greatness by attempting to be you. I just have to be me (The man Paul tries to be). When I sing, it's as though a billion Angels rush out of my throat and slowly make love to every ear they can see.

You have to write a song! Just one song Art, that's all you need to be able to change your Wikipedia entry from "Singer" to "Singer-Songwriter". There isn't a chance in hell I am going to live my life as a "singer" while Paul's walking around with "singer-songwriter" credits. That's a load of horse shit. HORSE SHIT! You're better than Paul! No you're not. What are you talking about? You're crap.

Hey! Get out of here Dark Garfunkel, you're the reason I never write anything!

Well that's because you're nothing Art Garfunkel. You're just a sad little man with a great voice. A great voice and that's it. You're no songwriter. You are and always will be a singer, a lowly singer. Why don't you go kill yourself.

SHUT UP DARK GARFUNKEL! I'm great! I'm the reason Simon and Garfunkel exist!

Oh yeah? Is that why your name is second on the marquee?

I SAID SHUT UP DARK GARFUNKEL! I AM GREAT! I CAN WRITE A #1 SONG ANYTIME I WANT!

Do it then, FART Garfunkel!

Fine! Here you go. "Me and Juan sitting by the school yard." Oh fuck off!

I'm a Fucking Rebel!

2011-01-02T11:12:00.000-08:00

Look at this fucking cop with his mustache that isn't ironic! I bet he uses it to tickle his partners anus. That would be finnier if his partner was a guy, but whatever, even girl butt is gross.

What is he doing in this coffee shop? This is my coffee shop! No cops allowed. Just because I don't own the place, doesn't mean I can't make the rules. Fucking bullshit man. Coffee shops are for hippies and free thinkers. This fucking asshole just wants to oppress us with his upper lip whiskers.

He's a shitty cop. I'm downloading four movies and two albums right now and he has no idea. I am doing something illegal infront of a cop and he has no fucking idea! He's so stupid! Here I am being fucking awesome and he's walking around with foam on his GODDAMNED MUSTACHE! A real cop would have shot me in the fucking brains by now. He would have ripped out my throat and said something like, "You're a piece of shit scum thief. Try swallowing that No-Neck!" Not this cop. He just drinks his coffee and thinks about sucking his dick.

I'm going to download a lady GaGa album right now. I don't even like her (except that one song), but I'm going to do it jus to teach him a lesson. I am so fucking badass!

No, wait, better idea. I'm going to download "Fuck The Police". How do you like that shitty cop? How the fuck do you like that?

I am so fucking awesome!

Fantasy Football: League Email

2010-08-23T16:58:00.000-07:00

I joined a Fantasy Football League with my work and the draft is tonight. Here's the email I sent out to the other teams:

Hey Everyone,

As I am sure you're all aware, the draft is tonight at 8. I just wanted to introduce myself so you'd know who was destroying your Fantasy Football dreams.

My name is Leroy Bewbs and I'm the head coach of the World famous, Your Butt Fancy Pants (FNCY). As a Bewbs, I come from a long line of fantasy football champions.

Henry Bewbs (My father-God rest his soul) never lost a Fantasy Football game in all of his life. He was so good at Fantasy Football that President Regan put his name on the Vietnam Memorial wall. My father never served in Vietnam.

I know this may sound like I am bragging about my father, but I wanted to also brag about myself. 38. What does that number mean to you? How old your wife is? Your mom? Doesn't matter. To me, that's how many Fantasy Football league championships I have won. This year is going to be no different. I live and breathe Fantasy Football. I am going to fist all of you! YOU WILL ALL BE FISTED!

So I hope you learned a little about me. I would wish you puss-faces luck, but when it comes to fantasy football... there's no such Fucking thing as luck! *karate spin kick*

Feel free to email me any information about yourself, as long as I can use it against you in the future (e.g. your mother's name, your weaknesses, pet names your girlfriend calls you and the size of your anus so i can measure it before and after I fuck you this season).

-Leroy Bewbs

Foursquare @ Starbucks

2010-08-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

CRAIG STARVERSON JUST CHECKED IN- @ STARBUCKS (STUDIO CITY, CA)

Just checked into Starbucks via Foursquare. No one I know has checked in so I must be the only one here. I'll probably wait to see if anyone else checks in before I get a coffee.

TEN MINUTES LATER

No one's checked in. This doesn't make any sense. I checked in like an hour ago. This is such bullshit! I just put it into my Facebook feed. There's no way someone hasn't seen that and thought, "Fuck, Craig just checked into Starbucks via Foursquare. I beter go meet him there so he has someone to talk to.

FACEBOOK STATUS: "Just chillin' at Starbucks. Fuckin' crazy. I love it. Probably going to chill here for another thirty minutes."

That should do it. Won't get a coffee yet. Someone should show up. What band is playing? I really like this.

"Excuse me, what band is playing right now."
"Jack Johnson."
"Yeah, but what's the name of the band?"
"That is the name of the band."
"But you didn't even check the satellite radio or anything."
"That's because I know who sings this song."
"Oh. Are all their songs like this. I could throw back a couple of brewskies on the beach listening to this. Really mellow stuff."
"Are you going to buy anything?"
"Waiting for a friend."

TEN MORE MINUTES LATER

FACEBOOK STATUS: "Just bought the new Jack Johnson album. Pretty fucking awesome. If anyone wants it, I'll be at the Starbucks. I'll just give it to you. Totally free. Don't even mind. Probably be here for an hour."

TEN MORE MINUTES ON TOP OF THAT SECOND TEN MORE MINUTES. THAT'S THIRTY MINUTES.

Hey, Karen's here! Awesome, we haven't talked since Highschool. God, I forgot about those freckles. I could just nibble each one of her freckles off. FUCK! I want to fuck her. Shit, why didn't I realize this before. I added her on Facebook like a month ago and here she is. She knows I'm here, I fucking Foursquared this shit. This was meant to happen.

"Hey Karen!"
"Oh, hey... k-"
"Craig. How are you. Fuck, I haven't fucking seen you in fucking forever."
"I was backpacking through Europe for the past two years."
"Yeah, yeah. I saw those pics on Facebook. Crazy huh? You didn't fuck any Europeans did you? I know it's none of my business, but it's just that European men have more penis diseases than American men. They're much dirtier."
"Hi. Yeah, just a grande coffee. No room for cream."
"Yeah, I'll have the same. I got this Karen."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, my pleasure. God, your hair..." Creep sigh.
"Sir, I'm sorry but do you have another form of payment you could use?"
"My card's fine. Run it again. The strip sometimes gets fucked up."
"I already ran it twice Sir."
"Well fucking run it again please."
"So Karen, you ever listen to Jack Johnson?"
"Not since my Freshman year of college, no."
"It's still saying declined."
"Hey Karen, is there any way you could get this?"
"Seriously?"
"I'll get you next time. Promise."
"Please don't."

THREE MINUTES LATER

KAREN AUGURA HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM YOUR FRIENDS LIST

FACEBOOK STATUS: "Just saw Karen Augura in Starbucks and she mentioned something about getting herpes from a European dude.

CRAIG STARVERSON JUST CHECKED IN - @ BEN & JERRY'S (STUDIO CITY, CA)

Stole this from the Internets

2010-08-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

New REMIX just dropped!

2010-07-11T21:13:00.000-07:00

The last three years of my life have come to this. One of my greatest achievements. This remix is going to be the remix that puts me on the remix map. Hope you guys like it.

I AM GOING TO TAKE OVER SOUTH KOREA!

2010-06-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

I made a video for the company I work for. America hated it, but South Korea (the Paul Simon of Koreas) fucking loved it! It was the second most viewed video in South Korea this week. Suck it Korean pop stars and Starcract... suck it!

The Wrong One

2010-06-18T21:12:00.000-07:00

Shit, shit, shit, shit, fuck, shit! This is bad. This is really bad. What the fuck was I thinking? I wasn't. I bought the wrong laser! Craig is going to fucking kill me! He is literally going to kill me. I mean he's not going to kill me with the laser I bought because the laser I bought doesn't slice people in half and shoot planes out of the sky. No, the laser I bought measures nanotubes. I guess he could measure me to death. No one would question that. Only Craig and I would know I really died from starvation. Everyone else is going to think I died from being measured to death. This is getting worse and worse. FUCK!

Calm down Mark, you're totally fine. Just return the measuring laser for the murder laser and Craig will be none the wiser. The receipt is in your... your... you have to be fucking joking me! There is no fucking way. Car, go to the car. It has to be in the car. Come on, open the door Mark. OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR! No. Not in the glove compartment. My wallet is. Why is my wallet in the glove compartment? That's not smart. What was I looking for? Gum? Fuck! Receipt! Fuck! Nope. Not here either. Now I am super fucked! I am mega super fucked. I guess I could use this laser to measure how wide my asshole is torn apart by a raving stark mad Craig.

Maybe you can just go back to the laser store and exchange the lasers. Right. That makes sense. The guy who sells lasers that can cut through a human body in the matter of seconds will be totally cool about exchanging lasers. This is what I get for looking at girls. I blame this on women. This is your fucking fault mother! You and your kind fucked me over for life! Why do you think I'm working for a guy like Craig? I don't know, maybe because he's your new boyfriend and dad won't return my calls. This fucking sucks.

Bro Answering Machine

2010-05-30T09:10:00.000-07:00

"Hey, this is Chad, I'm probably out surfing or we're fucking. Leave a message if you want some of this."

"Dude, bro, where the fuck are you? You there? Pick up if you're there. Okay, whatever. Fucking listen to this shit bro. So a couple of days ago I'm sittin' at that bomb-ass Subway sandwich place you always take me to before we hit the clubs and guess who walks in. Fucking Gary Coleman dude! Fucking walks right in and orders a fucking sea food sensation sandwich with his little mouth! Anyway, not the point yo! So he fucking gets his shit, and I'm like majorly staring and shit and then he walks past me and goes, 'What you lookin' at?' and then I'm all like, 'I hope you die little dude.' and then today I looked at my Google news and he's fucking dead bro! I killed Gary Coleman and I'm freaking out bro, you gotta help me. I changed my body spray because I didn't want the employees to be able to identify me but I can't be arrested dude! What do I do? I was thinkin' about gettin' more tan. Might have to refrost my tips dawg. This is fucked up. I mean I told Tayler to go die last week at Glamis bro. I don't want Tayler to die, I just don't want him wearing the same t-shirt as me yo. I'm freakin' the fuck out bro. Call me back when you get this!"

Internet First Date

2010-05-28T19:45:00.000-07:00

I really wish she would just buzz me in. This is uncalled for. You don't leave someone out front of your apartment for this long on a first date. It's just not done. This is exactly why I don't internet date. We matched all 48 personality questions but none of those questions were, "Do you leave dates out in front of your apartment in a not so good part of town for more than six minutes?" I am going to send that question to the webmaster tomorrow.

Ah! Mexican man! Stay calm. They're not all rapists. Dear God, where is she? I am about to get raped by an Mexican and she's probably sucking some dude off that's not me. Maybe they are all rapists. No, don't think that, that's racist. Only the rapist Mexicans are rapists. Wait, is it racist? I thought racism was when you said it aloud. Thinking it is normal. I bet he thinks I am going to rape him. What a fucking prick! He's not even my type. He's old and pushes a mango cart! I hate mangos and rapists! Where is she? Maybe I should rape him before he rapes me. No, that's a silly idea. But what if he does rape me? I guess I can pretend to be really into it. Rapists don't want to rape someone who wants to be raped because then it's just sex. Rapists don't want sex, they want rape. They're not called sexists. Wait, that doesn't make sense.

"Hi."

"Good evening Sir. I am an undercover police officer. My precinct knows I'm here and if I don't show up they'll come looking for me."

"Okay."

Showed him. Better get out of here! No one is going to rape an undercover cop. He probably is a rapist. Probably uses that mango cart to hide dead bodies. What is she fucking doing in there? This is just insane! I told her 7:30... it's 7:37! There are rapists out here! I know she knows this, she lives here. Maybe I should ring the buzzer again. That would be ring ten. If she is there she's going to be pissed at me for buzzing so much, but if she's givin' some troll a sweet Blow-J I am going to interrupt them!

BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ

"I know you're in there blowing some dude while I'm out here fending off insane rapists! This is the worst date I have ever been on! You're such a fucking bitch! Enjoy blowing whatever random field of herpes you have up there! You just missed out on the greatest personality match of your life!"

Who the fuck is this asshole looking at me? Nice V-Neck. You buy that before or after you bought your vegetables at the farmers market? I don't have any acoustic guitars or fixed gear bikes, get lost!

"The intercom system is all screwed here dude. The buzzer doesn't buzz and the tenants can't talk back, but they can still hear you. They front door's open though."

This hipster just mentally raped me. My God this fucking neighborhood is full of rapists!

Moby Prick

2010-02-20T11:50:00.000-08:00

The following words were transcribed from a journal found floating in the Pacific Ocean shortly after a ship known as the Pequod was destroyed. They are believed to be the last writings of Captain Ahab.

“Call me Ishmael.” Who says stuff like that? I read the ledger, I know you’re name. I’m the captain of the ship for Christ’s sake. It is not even a nickname, it’s his actual first name. What else would I call him? These kids go on one, month-long voyage and they think they’re Blackbeard! I remember a time when you could get a crew that was half this pompous and for half the price!

I was on the deck cursing Moby Dick’s name today and that Ishmael kid wouldn’t stop looking at me. He’ll just stare at me for long periods of time. It is rather frightening. I will never tell him he gives me the creeps but still, it is really creepy. It makes me feel awkward, like I’m gaining weight or I have some food on my face.

What is he always writing? I know we’re at sea and the mind must be occupied but come on! He is always writing in that dammed thing! Every other seconded I see him scribbling down notes. I cannot speak without him asking me to repeat something or say it differently. I threw my pipe out to sea because I wanted to quit smoking (Health thing) and this kid whispers under his breath, “That is significant. No more simple pleasures.” What the hell is that about? I do not wish to die at an early age and this kid thinks I’ve given up on life’s simple pleasures? If my right hand could talk it would tell him quite a different story.

Alright, this is just getting out of control. I went into Queequeg’s room this morning to see if he was feeling better and not only was he up and around (faker just wanted to get out of work I bet), but he had turned his coffin into a sea chest! How morbid is that? We have plenty of wood, there’s no need for that. That is creepy! I’m not having any of that. I’m going to make them turn that into a life boat. It is stuff like that, that makes me want to hurry up and catch this stupid whale. I think I’m going to triple my efforts just so I can get these creeps off my ship.

Great news! Met up with a ship and the captain had seen Moby Dick! He also agreed that the Ishmael kid is a creep. It is not just me. I was so worried that I was the only one seeing it. I heard him crying the other night. Who does that? Normal grown men do not weep late into the night.

Saw Moby Dick last night! It was awesome!

Fedallah’s gone missing. I wouldn’t be surprised if that Ishmael kid chopped him up into little pieces and ate him.

Found Fedallah. Turns out he was tied to Moby Dick. Weird. Anyway, Moby Dick is going crazy outside. I am going to go out and kill him myself so I can finally kick these creeps off of my ship. I’ll be back in just a few minutes.

The Nic-Nac Store is Closed.

2010-02-07T11:27:00.000-08:00

I punched a shop window today. Like a Native American woman, I am bleeding a lot and don't know if I can return home until it stops. I think I'll be alright though. I honestly don't know what happened. It's not my fault. I was totally fine when I woke up this morning. I got coffee, read the paper and then left for the nic-nac store.

I must have Hulked it and blacked out when it happened because I just remember waking up wearing an LAPD uniform in mid run with a glass studded, blood covered arm.

I don't understand why the nic-nac store would be closed on a Sunday! Nic-nac stores should only be open on Sundays! I don't want to buy a bear eating a pie off a windowsill diorama on a Tuesday! I work on Tuesdays! I can't enjoy trinkets on a weekday! What the fuck?

It happened again. I just woke up to find I had punched my computer screen (Above). I don't even want to finish my Research Topic and Question paper anymore. I just want some fucking nic-nacs on a Sunday! Is that too much to ask? I don't think so! It's not hard to open up and sell me a Dalmatian next to a fire hydrant statue. It's not. I would curse the owner using a miniature Buddha charm necklace but I can't... because the fucking nic-nac store is closed!

Uh oh... it happened again.

Washington Snow Storm Update

2010-02-06T18:30:00.000-08:00

If for some reason you are in Washington and you're reading this, I want to give you an update on your current snow situation. I know what you're thinking, "Wait, this is just some asshole's blog who lives in California. How did Google get me here? I typed in 'Washington + Snow + Update'" Before you leave the site, know that I sympathize with you and I decided to write about a trending topic. Yes, It's kind of sunny here right now but it was raining earlier and it snows here all the time except instead of it being real snow it's douche bags in collared shirts. Your snow will melt... our snow is forever. Think about how awful that is. They never leave. Never. I feel your pain.

Now, on with my Washington Snow Storm Update 2010! It's snowing a lot. I know this because there are a lot of pictures of snow when I type in Washington Snow Storm Update. This isn't one of them:

That's me pretending my old school Sony receiver remote is a gun (Pretty wacky huh?). I would have used a picture of snow but I don't own the rights to any pictures of the Washington Snow Storm. I do look sad though and I imagine there are some people in the Washington Snow Storm that look just as sad as I am pretending to look there.

Uh oh, more bad news just in. Turns out the Wizards-Hawks game has been postponed. I don't even know why the those two would fight. I thought wizards and hawks went together like Beast Masters and Ferrets.

So to Recap:

Washing Snow Storm is still happening.

There's a lot of snow.

It's not fun.

Wizards and Hawks should be friends.

Hope this helped to calm any fears those with power and access to the Internet still had.

Friendship!

2010-01-16T10:22:00.000-08:00

Click to enlarge:

UPDATE: Doomsday Laser Machine

2010-01-16T10:17:00.000-08:00

The owner has claimed their Doomsday Laser Machine. Turns out the owner went on vacation to some volcano hideaway or moon base (I wasn't really listening), left it with the neighbors and it got out.

I'm just glad it's back with its evil owner. I know the owner's evil because he didn't even offer me a reward. Dick.

Found: Doomsday Laser Machine

2009-12-30T11:31:00.000-08:00

I already tried Craigslist and no one responded so I figure I'll give it a go on here.

Yesterday I was out walking and I came across a Doomsday Laser Machine in the middle of the street. I actually walked passed it thinking that someone else would probably help it out of the street but about four blocks later I realized no one else was going to help it. I couldn't just leave it there.

I went back and sure enough there it was, still in the middle of the street just waiting to get hit by a car. I ran back to my apartment and found a dolly and came back to find a woman trying to move it. The two of us finally got it onto the dolly and I rolled it to the sidewalk. She said she knew someone who had a Doomsday Machine and that it might be theirs. She pointed me to the castle at the end of the street and went on her way.

I knocked on the doors for about ten minutes until a frighteningly pale Wizard answered. He didn't even have to answer me. I saw his Doomsday Machine behind his outstretched leg that was keeping it from bolting out the door. He said he'd never seen it before.

I just don't understand is all. I mean there's no tags or chips anywhere on the thing but it knows how to destroy the world so I know someone loved it enough to program it to do that.

Anyway, I didn't really want to bring it home because I wasn't sure if the cat and it would get along. Turns out it's good with cats too! I just can't stand the thought of someone missing their Doomsday Device. What if they had kids? I mean the kids are the ones that are going to miss it the most. I can't imagine explaining to a child why their Doomsday Machine isn't around anymore. Heartbreaking.

I hope the owner sees this. I still have it and it's safe. If you have any information about the owner or you yourself are the owner, please, please email me before I get too attached to it.

Megan Fox: A Decent Proposal

2009-09-18T16:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Megan Fox (If that's your real name),

I have something you have been looking for. Besides being insanely okay-looking, I also have a boys, size five, Ninja Turtles t-shirt (Pictured below). It's about as OG as you can get. Did I wear it as a kid? Maybe. That's not important right now. What's important is that I am willing to make a trade with you.

I saw on Conan last night that you were looking for a small Ninja Turtles T-Shirt. I have that. I will give you the t-shirt in exchange for a date with you.

Honestly, and don't take this the wrong way, if you accept my offer, you're going to be coming out way ahead on this deal. You're going to get a sweet Ninja Turtles T-shirt, half of all activities paid for (as long as they're under thirty dollars), and witty banter about comic books and how tough it was growing up in upper-middle class Orange County. What do I get? A date with Megan Fox. I think we know who's getting the better deal here.

I live in Studio City now so I can pick you up if you live within ten miles of my apartment. Me Living so close to Hollywood is another plus for you because of how many celebrities I see on a regular basis. I'm going to act so cool you may even forget that you are a celebrity. Just the other day I saw Rob Schneider in Santa Monica and I only whispered, "Makin' Copies" instead of yelling it.

There you have it Megan Fox. You can have this Ninja Turtles t-shirt and the night of your life if you want it.

-Alex Sargeant

Why I am a Great Intern!

2009-08-27T19:07:00.000-07:00

I have this blog hooked up to Google Analytics (Skill#1), so I know that no one is reading this. If someone is reading this, that someone is probably the guy/girl to whom (Correct form of who: Skill #2) I sent my resume to at Overture Films.

I cannot say that my resume was the best resume ever written but I can admit to my faults (Skill #3), and this is my way of making up for any shortcomings my resume may have had.

I understand the blogosphere (Skill #4). One thing I have learned about my fellow bloggers and blog readers is that there is nothing they like more than a list! Below is a list, complete with pictures, of why I am a great candidate for this internship.

1.) I know how to file. Here I am filing important documents that shouldn't be lost or miss filed. Good thing Alex "Best Intern Ever" Sargeant is on the job!

2.) I know how to pick up the mail. Here I am picking up the mail at the correct time. If there's anything important, I'll be sure to file it under: IMPORTANT (See #1).

3.) I know how to make coffee. Here I am making coffee with a French Press coffee maker (It's French). I can also make espresso drinks, but I won't brag!

4.) I can use Facebook and Myspace as promotional tools, and to keep myself updated with friends!

5.) I know how to keep a secret. Here I am disposing the body of a lady of the night. Mum's the word with this helpful intern.

6.) I'm great with people. Here I am shaking an important person's hand.

7.) And finally, I'm really into the environment, and this is me on my eco-friendly sweeping device.

Those are just a few of the reasons why I am a great intern!

But He's a Vampire!

2009-08-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

"Hey Aleksi, where's everyone going with all those pitchforks and torches?"
"You know the man who lives in the castle on the hill?"
"Oh, you mean Count Mesinov. Yeah, nice guy."
"Well he's a vampire!"
"So."
"And he's taken Lord Veimire's daughter! For all we know, she may already be dead. Blood sucked from her body!"
"So what?"
"What do you mean so what?"
"I mean so what. What has Lord Veimire ever done for us? We're simple towns folk, farmers really. Yet because his daddy was a Lord, appointed by a King I've never seen, he's allowed to rule over us like some chubby demigod? And unjustly I might add. We don't even make enough to pay the taxes he's imposed on us."
"But his daughter. She is not her father and she is still a person."
"That she is. She's the person who burned down your bakery and broke up the Pasmonov's marriage by tempting Mr. Pasmonov. Count Mesinov on the other hand, sells those honey sticks our children so enjoy at the Sunday market."
"He's not human! He's a beast, and must be stopped!"
"Stopped how? By murder? Am I talking to Aleksi, or am I talking to a crazed murder? When your brother raped all those children, did you assemble a group such as this one to go to his house and murder him in cold blood?"
"Well no, we-"
"-We had a trial. A fair trial in which your brother was found innocent on the account that he is a man. A great man at that."
"I guess you have a point."
"Of course I do. We may be poor, but we know better than to judge someone just because their family has evolved at a pace which our simple minds cannot possibly comprehend. Now let's turn this angry mob around and storm Lord Veimire's place!"

And that kids, is the true meaning of Bastille Day.

Blow Up Andrew's Car!

2009-08-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

The video that was here had Andrew in a shitty video asking Conan to blow up his car. That video is no longer up on the website so this post has now changed to actually blowing up Andrew's car. Let me know how it goes.

I Am A Man!

2009-08-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

I’m a man! I do man things! Example: Last night, I had a dream I killed a lion... with the body of the first lion I killed with my bare hands! That’s how manly I am! Even in my dreams I’m manly! Update: That wasn’t a dream, it was real!

I had to replace my fire alarm with a ninja alarm because I had way more ninjas trying to kill me than fires! The only weakness ninjas and fire have in common is me!

Yesterday I walked by some kids playing baseball when their baseball rolled to my feet and they asked me to throw it back. I did, except it hit that kid in the back of the head and killed him because it circled the Earth before exploding his brain. Mother fucking man! Speaking of mother fucking: When I went to the boys house to apologize for exploding their son’s head, his mother refused my apology. I then fucked her into space. Literal space. I watched myself fuck her in Hubble’s giant mirror... because I’m a man!

I cut off my own hands (both of them) just so that I could have interchangeable hands. One hard pair for beating up gang bangers and large animals and one soft pair for fingering ladies in exotic landscapes. I’m a man!

Two weeks ago someone put a landmine in my alligator chili and I didn’t even notice until I pooped out a piece of claymore.

After naked women, my picture is the most sought after picture in the United States Military. I am Manspiration!

A Phone Message

2009-08-07T11:24:00.000-07:00

Dude, bro, pick up the phone, I have a fucking sweet movie idea! I know everyone else is always all like, "I've got a sweet movie idea dawg" but compared to the movie idea I have, their movie ideas are just a bunch of faggy bullshit! This movie idea is so good I almost don't want to say it bro! You'd probably have your mind blown just by how fucking good it was, you would be all like, "Bro, that's a cool idea." One, two three... BAM! Your fucking head just exploded! The only way they would know it was you would be because your sideways hat and the way in which your thumbs were positioned in the up position.

Fuck it! I'm just going to say it. I am not responsible for any deaths caused by how fucking rad the movie idea is. Alright, check it out, These people are on vacation with a bunch of people and someone's killing them but they don't know who but in the end it's going to be one of them! How fucking crazy is that! Eat a thousand dicks M. Night Shaman!

Anyway bro, going to Hollywood, I'll be back in an hour or so after I blow Hollywood's mind and then we can go see Dave... Matthews!

Things I've Learned Today

2009-08-01T10:20:00.000-07:00

Star Wars sheets, though original and awesome, can take away even the strongest of lady boners.

I've never seen someone eat shit and grin after (Even hot lady shit).

If someone around you farts... take credit for it. Keeps your fart karma good.

When calling with questions regarding a used car, refrain from asking questions about the comfortability of your penis (If you're a woman, free free to ask questions about your penis, it will make bargaining easier).

Gay men don't do yoga on a regular basis, only straight men who wish they were gay so that their shitty wives or girlfriends wouldn't force them to go to yoga on a regular basis do.

If you're in a public restaurant and you notice you have an ingrown hair on your neck, do not yell, "I just want to cut my neck off!" without first mentioning it's because of the ingrown hair.

Golden Retrievers are exactly like fat drunk girls. They're dumb, run into walls, kind of smell and die early... but they'll love you forever if you let them.

Eating french toast... not gay. Eating french toast with berries... really gay.

The rock Steve Prefontaine crashed his car into and and ultimately died because of, is still standing with a plaque in front of it. If someone is killed by a mountain lion, that mountain lion is hunted down and killed and not given a plaque as a badge of honor. Tear down those rocks Mr. Gorbatrov!

You just don't hear that many Prefontaine and Reagan jokes anymore.

Sometimes I make jokes that I think are the bees knees and then I look at them and think they don't make any sense, like this one: The longer you hold in your poop, the quicker your wishes come true.

I don't rape and I never want to rape... and that makes me feel like I'm a bad rapist. Thanks Catholic School!

The Show

2009-07-27T19:27:00.001-07:00

It's done. The show is done. I am now back to coffee AND writing. At the moment, I am doing both at Starbucks. I have nothing to say. My brain has been off for the past three weeks. No war news today. I'm just going to make up a fake conversation. Enjoy.

***

"How'd you get that scar on your face?"
"I don't really want to talk about that."
"Why not?"
"Maybe because this is a first date."
"But it's all the way across your face. You look like an evil version of the Aldin Sane cover and it's just that... well, I mean, you didn't have that in any of your Internet profile pictures."
"And that means you can just ask about it?"
"Well, to be honest... yes."
"It's really not that interesting. I just don't like to talk about it because it's so boring."
"Oh come on, it can't be that boring. Please?"
"Fine."
"Thank you!"
"I was working on the Hadron Particle Collider and a black hole... I mean portal... something opened up. You know what, I really don't want to talk about this. You said you're an extra in movies. How's that? Is it tough?"
"No, no, no. You can't stop a story like that. A portal opening up. Giant scar. This is the coolest thing I have ever heard."
"It's really not that interesting?"
"Beats the fuck out of me standing around and getting paid nothing to walk behind real actors. Please go on."
"Alright, but if I start to bore you just let me know."
"You know it."
"Anyway, so this portal thing opens up and a robot bear dressed as an Ancient Roman lunges at me with a sword-"
"And it cut you in the face?"
"No. I beat it to death with the fire extinguisher."
"So how'd you get the scar?"
"Book fell on me while I was sleeping."
"And it made a scar that big?"
"It was Tolstoy."
"That is boring."

Starbucks Girl

2009-07-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

I am in Starbucks right now and I should be working on sketches for the show this Saturday but instead I keep looking over at my friend Doug who is setting comfortably with this weeks comics in his hands and reading them. I don't care if he's more of a DC guy, or that I don't real a lot of his titles... I just don't want to be working on these sketches anymore right now!

A girl walked into here about thirty minutes ago. That's pretty normal for Starbucks, but this girl was cute. That too is pretty normal for Starbucks, but this cute girl walked in and went straight for the restroom where she proceeded to spend twenty minutes. Anything past six minutes in a public restroom is considered as pooping. The cute girl pooped in Starbucks and then walked right back out and got into a waiting raised truck. I witnessed a drive by pooping!

Alright, back to work.

-Alex

Waroetry!

2009-07-16T15:42:00.000-07:00

Today is comic book day for me and I have to go to my brother's house in about ten minutes so this will be short. I'm writing because I feel I must respond with something befor ethe enemy strikes again. It will not be ask strong as the others have been but I am okay with this. I see it less as a direct attack and more like Operation Fortitude. Consider this blog post a blow up tank and plywood artillery. US 6th Infantry division is about to make you think it's going to attack Scandinavia when in fact, this blog post is just to throw Elizabeth Petrocco off for when I attack at Normandy!
Your Love is Like a Fart

Your love is like a fart
Fierce, stinky, in you face
And then gone
Like nothing happened.

You love is like a fart
I deal with it
Until I have to leave
But I come back.

Your love is like a fart
I can't eat it,
But I sure can taste it
Makes me want to barf.

Your love is like a fart
Hot and surprising
Unguarded
A byproduct of what you eat.

Your love is like a fart.

The Moon Journals

2009-07-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

Day 123 - The Moon - Capt. Robert Johnson - USA

I don't even know why I'm considering this. I'm the Captain of this moon base! I am their God! Oh no, that sounded very Roman of me. I am not a supreme ruler. Oh God that was bad. I sounded like Mussolini right there didn't I? Maybe I should give it to them so that they don't think I'm Mussolini. I just don't think it's in the budget to get a moon bounce sent up here. We're on the fucking moon for Christ's sake! I don't know why the even need a moon bounce! No, I'm putting my foot down! If they want to moon bounce they're just going to have to suit up, go outside and jump on the real moon! I know it's not as fun, but we're not here to have fun!

There was a malfunction in the women's bathroom today. I don't want to describe what I saw, but if there wasn't life on the moon before... there is now. That's a scary thought. A giant moon-poo monster running around outside. We made it and now it has come to destroy us! Would we fight it? Could one of us be capable of loving it like our own with all that stink? Scary! I'm not going to share that idea with the rest of the crew, they've got enough to worry about as it is.

I checked out the doctor's butt today. I didn't mean to, it just happened. He was giving me a routine checkup and when he touched my balls and made me cough, I... I just felt a spark between us. Was that Roman of me too? It's not gay on the moon I don't think. I'm not gay. I mean I've never tried, but I don't think I am. I just wanted to know what his butt looked like is all. Moon rules are different. Abs. What? I don't even know what I just said that. Weird. Anyway, I can't be gay. There's no such thing as gay on the moon. Two guys having sex on the moon is just moon friends that's all. Yeah, the Doc and I could be moon friends. Not gay... moon friends. Am I allowed to have more than one moon friend or is my original moon friend going to get jealous? Does jealousy exist up here? Yes.

Update: I sent out the order for a moon bounce to be sent up. I can't believe they would stoop that low to send Vanu. It was an erection in the dining hall! It could have happened to anyone! That doesn't mean I like her! I bet the Russians put her up to it.

The Poetry War Rages On.

2009-07-13T00:26:00.000-07:00

The only reason this is an unpublicized war is because it's a poetry war and contemporary poets have sullied the good name of poetry, making it a dirty word... like cunt, but for smart people. Also, it's being fought on the Blogosphere and there's not much real publishing going on around here.

WAR NEWS FLASH: The fighting has resumed. 10 dead from roadside adjective. The enemy (Elizabeth Petrocco!) has laid down some pretty heavy suppressive fire but our boys aren't going to give up that easily. Armed with only a vast knowledge of Russian literature and a Webster's Unabridged World Dictionary our boys storm proudly into that Wasteland we call battle, knowing full well they may never come back. BUY WAR BONDS NOW!

I hope you're ready Elizabeth, because I'm about to pull out a V2 Rocket of a poem. The rules of poetry war are about to be changed forever!

El amor es simple
Como el sistema vascular humano
El amor es verdadero
Como un unicornio
El amor es duro
Como la parte superior de los niños dirigen
El amor está libre
Como el nuevo Macbook en esos anuncios de la bandera
El amor es diversión
Como las tres películas pasadas de Star Wars
El amor es odio
¿Qué? ¿Huh? ¿Acabo de hacer eso? ¡Acabo de hacer saltar su mente con cómo está loco que era!

In case your simple brain cannot understand the beautiful language that is Spanish, I have translated it for you below. In case your brain can understand the beautiful language that is Spanish, it's probably best you read my translation because I just copy and pasted it into an online English to Spanish translator so it won't make a whole lot of sense.

Love is simple
Like the human vascular system
Love is real
Like a unicorn
Love is hard
Like the top part of an infants head
Love is free
Like the "Free Macbook" in those banner ads
Love is fun
Like the last three Star Wars movies
Love is hate
What? Huh? Did I just do that? I just blew up your mind with how crazy that was!

I'm not proud of how many of your people had to die because of that bilingual masterpiece... BUT THIS IS WAR! There are no feelings in a poetry war (except the ones put into the poems that lead to the deaths of many innocent people).

Poetry War News

2009-07-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

The Poetry War has been put on hold. Turns out that someone used Pablo Neruda's name in vain. Both sides have been in tears since. Call us names, shoot us, gas us... but don't you ever use Pablo Neruda's name in vain!

Hopefully the fighting will start again soon... as soon as the other side notices they're in a war it's going to get "fuck-all crazy up in this shit!" Hell will be unleashed! Verbs flying everywhere! Innocent adjectives strewn about, wasted by those that knew their lives would be cut short. I'm just glad I hired myself some pronouns to fuck up their untrained farm nouns.

POETRY WAR!!!!!!!!!!

2009-07-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this blog for Elizabeth Petrocco. You hear that Elizabeth? This blog is for you!

Elizabeth has a blog where she writes real poems. Poems with literary merit. My brain cannot do such things. That is why I am copying her template and doing my own poems!

Consider this an act of war Elizabeth! You and I shall have the World's first poetry war! This is our assassination of Archduke Ferdinand!!!!! Let the poetry wars begin!!!!!!!! I claim this virtual land in the name of Boredom!

If I Were A Robot

If I were a robot,
I'd be a shitty robot.
One hand would be a television remote,
and the other would be a coffee mug.

People would ask me to do stuff,
and I'd say yes,
But I wouldn't actually do it,
Not until they asked again.

I'd have a beard.
"Robots don't have beards!" They'd shout.
"Assholes don't have wives!" I'd shout back
In my monotone voice.

If I were a robot,
I'd be a shitty robot.

First shot has been fired!

How Google Sees it.

2009-07-05T09:15:00.000-07:00

This morning I was trying to figure out how to switch out the hard drive in my Playstation when I typed "Getting" into Google: Click image to enlarge.
Google has finally figured it all out! Google has figured out how you're supposed to live your life!

First, get a girl pregnant, freak the fuck out, get a passport and move to another country. When in that new country you're going to need to know how to get things done until you meet a nice girl. When you find that girl (Google doesn't say how), ask that girl a lot of getting to know you questions because you didn't do that with the first girl you blew your load in. While thinking about how you messed up that first relationship by moving to another country you may realize that you never got over that first relationship. Once you do though, your new girlfriend that you know a lot about (because of all those getting to know you questions) is going to want to get pregnancy tips, but not before you get out of debt. Then you're going to get to yes? That's before you get rid of your bed bugs and ask your new girlfriend to marry you.

If this were my loft.

2009-07-02T17:39:00.000-07:00

If this were my loft I'd have tons of loft parties. The kind of loft parties where people barf. You could barf anywhere you wanted if this were my loft.

If this were my loft, that television would be more to the left. I would play video games until I barfed. I could barf anywhere I wanted if this were my loft.

If this were my loft I would make it less gay. Instead of gay couches, there would be moose heads. Those moose heads could barf anywhere they wanted to if this were my loft.

If this were my loft, I would eat hard boiled eggs on the hardwood floors. I would eat so many hard boiled eggs that nothing would happen because I'm like cool hand Luke and I can eat a lot of hard boiled eggs. Also, when I'm drunk, I cut off the heads of parking meters.

If this were my loft I would have sex on the glass coffee table. I would have so much sex that I would barf. I could barf anywhere I wanted to if this were my loft.

If this were my loft... the things I would do!

Portland Jokes

2009-06-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Portland. I don't have anything else to write about. There's a celebrity epidemic going around and it's killing all of the weaker, more mediocre celebrities first. It's frightening because now people are going to start looking up to doctors and teachers... and that's just not the kind of goals I want the children of today aiming for (Doctors and Teachers don't flash their pussies when they get out of cars.). Instead I have decided to write jokes about Portland.

Portland has more white people than a Dave Mathews concert.

That's all I've got. Seriously. Portland's nice. There's lots of beer and coffee, I really can't complain that much about it. There are a lot of hippies and hipsters but they aren't annoying California hipsters and hippies. I did have to recycle every fucking bit of everything, but that just turned into a really fun game called "dump all my trash in the same bin" that I loved!

That is all for now.

Another Letter

2009-06-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Twenty-One-Year-Old Girl At The Bar Who Looks Forty-Seven,

I don't know how you do it. I don't. I applaud you! Short of drinking from the wrong cup while looking for the Holy Grail, I didn't think it was possible to waste a youthful look as fast as you did! Man was I wrong, huh?

How is everything? What do you do (Beside get crazy drunk and barf next to my table)? I mean for work. I bet you do something cool, like work at a museum as a mummy or as a Zombie extra in... well anything that needs a Zombie.

Anyway, just wanted to say hi. Let's catch up some time!

-Alex

Desk Notes

2009-06-15T10:21:00.001-07:00

At my desk I have a giant stack of notes that I have scribbled down on various pieces of paper. Most of the notes are jokes, ideas of jokes, or sketches and none of them have been used yet. Seeing as I don't think I will ever use any of these random notes and that I have not yet had coffee... I may as well write them down here instead of trying to think of something original.

Note #1:

Don't psychoanalyze this shit alright Doc! It was just a dream I want to talk about. It doesn't mean anything!

In My dream last night I was floating in a huge lake. I couldn't see the bottom of it and I couldn't see the shore. This lake was inside of an ocean that in turn was inside of another ocean. Out of nowhere a giant shark labeled "Sex & Family" started chasing me. I decided to swim into the water where I came upon an under water methane lake.

I know it doesn't mean anything... just wanted to tell ya doc. Even if it did mean something it's probably just to stay out of the ocean because I'll get eaten by a shark.

Note #2:

"Doctor! This is horrible, no good at all!"
"Calm down now, what is it?"
"I can't read minds anymore."
"No one can read minds, you're fine."
"Aliens can!"
"You're not an Alien so I think you're fine there too."
"You're wrong. I am an Alien. I've been an Alien of hundreds of thousands of years. I've just been lying in wait for the perfect moment to destroy Earth and now... well now this has to go and happen! I can't very easily take over Earth if I can't read minds now can I?"
"Have you tried exercising?"
"Of course I've tried exercising!"
"Try this."
"What is it?"
"It's a stress ball. You squeeze it when you're feeling stressed. There you go, just like that. Anything?"
"Nothing! Oh it's pointless! I'm doomed! DOOMED!"
"Kevin, could you please come in here."
"Yes sir?"
"How about now, can you read Kevin's mind? Kevin's stupid. He's really stupid."
"Nothing."
"Get the fuck out of here Kevin!"

Note #3:

Dude-Bro Newscast (Undercover?)

"Are these tacos as chronic as you say they are?"
"Dude!"
"Bro!"
"Duuuude."
"Bro."
"Dude."
"BRO!"
"Dude... dude."
"Come on Bro."
"What dude?"
"Bro... come on."
"Dude... what?"
"They bro?"
"Yeah dude."
"Dude bro?"
"Dude."
"There you have it folks. This reporter is satisfied. Back to you in Glamis Tyler."

What an awful note! There are reasons these are never used.

-Alex

Awful Sketch

2009-06-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

Andrew and I wrote a sketch about two slow talking Southern lumberjacks. We thought it was funny as hell. Turns out no one likes it. That is why I'm going to post it here!

Two guys are on stage using an ol’ timey two person saw. They go for a bit until one of them breaks the silence.

JOHNNY: Hey Frank.
FRANK:Yes Johnny?
JOHNNY: It sure is nice being a lumberjack isn’t it?
FRANK:Sure is Johnny.
A little silence.
JOHNNY:Say, Frank?
FRANK:Yes Johnny?
JOHNNY: You ever feel like we’re chopping down trees on the planet Endor.
FRANK: Yes I do.
A little more silence.
JOHNNY: Hey Frank.
FRANK: Yes Johnny?
JOHNNY: Why is it that when the Ewoks were going to cook Han Solo they left his clothes on?
FRANK: Well Johnny, them Ewoks probably didn’t know any better.
JOHNNY: But they wear clothes themselves and I bet they knew those didn’t taste too good.
FRANK: How do you know they don’t eat clothes, or anything at all? Did you ever see them eat anything?
JOHNNY: Sure I did. Leah fed Wicket a space cracker.
A little more silence.
JOHNNY (CONT’D): Hey Frank, remember that time we caught that rabbit and you cooked it with its hair on and it tasted something awful?
FRANK: Yes I do Johnny.
JOHNNY: Then why was they gonnna cook Chewbacca with all his hair on?
FRANK: Well they was gonna boil him of course.
Silence.
JOHNNY: Hey Frank, where do Ewok babies come from?
FRANK: From they mothers of course.
JOHNNY: No, I mean is they hatched in eggs, or is they mammals, because a platypus is a mammal and they lay eggs?
FRANK: They lay eggs of course!
Silence.
FRANK (CONT’D): You know Johnny, humans, dolphins and Ewoks are the only animals that have sex for pleasure.
JOHNNY: Is that how they get the Ewok AIDS?
FRANK: What in tarnation gave you that idea?
JOHNNY: Last summa, when your cat got the feline AIDS. She was small and furry like an Ewok.
FRANK: Well that’s just silly, Ewoks don’t get AIDS from sex... they get it from rape.
JOHNNY: Ewoks rape?
FRANK: Of course they do.
JOHNNY: That’s downright despicable.
FRANK: They’re primitive creatures Johnny. It’s just a way a life for them little guys. To tell you the truth it’s a power thing.
Silence.
JOHNNY: Say Frank, if you could have sex with any of the Ewoks, which one would it be?
FRANK: Well Johnny, when it comes to sexing tiny furry animals, I’m more of a Gremlins man myself.
BLACKOUT.

Moon Journal

2009-06-08T10:46:00.000-07:00

Day 1 - The Moon - Capt. Robert Johnson

We have landed on the moon! We wouldn't have even landed if not for my brave captaining skills! We just got here and now NASA wants us to pay tribute to all those space construction workers who lost their lives in the building of this moon base but that sounds so boring. I didn't work my ass off begging daddy to pay my way through Space Captain school so I could make boring speeches about dead roofers! My legs are all cramped and shit from the ride up here. I want to go do something fun (make moon angels?).

Oh God, when I got to my (tiny) room, I took off my suit and it fucking reeked of fart. It smelled like I had been rubbing fart lotion all over my body. Do they even make fart lotion? Probably not. I can't wait to meet the rest of the people staying here. I wonder what they're like. I want to be the first one to fuck on this moon base.

Kind of pissed about the whole golfing situation up here. Golfing on the moon is cool and all but everything's different. I'm going to have to relearn my swing completely and the whole place is a hazard! There's a reason no one plays golf in sand dunes and craters... because it fucking sucks! The entire moon is just that! Dunes and craters! I don't know why I never thought about it. Probably wouldn't have come up here if I had.

Anyway, moon base's vitals are good I guess. Nothing to report there. BORING! In other moon base news: Capt. Robert Johnson has a big wang!

I'm thinking about having the rest of the crew pretend that Arlin the monkey is our Captain as a practical joke on the other countries when they get here. They'd all be like, "Ve are foreign and ve don' no if dis is truf or lie?" and then I could pop out and yell, "Gotcha! Capt. Robert Johnson here."... That'd be a funny way to break the ice.

-Capt. Robert Johnson.

Jokes for Tonight

2009-06-04T11:51:00.001-07:00

I am going to do some shitty stand up at the Gypsy Den tonight and I don't have any new jokes. I have decided that instead of trying to write some on paper I would write them here. No one reads this so I'm not worried about someone stealing my jokes.

In case you didn't know, the Gypsy Den is a little coffee shop in Santa Ana. To me, Gypsy Den sounds like somewhere you'd get raped AND have your watch stolen. How awful would that be? "Oh man, I just got raped, what time is... God dammit!" That's always my first concern after I get raped by the way, "What time is it?" as if the getting raped didn't bother me, but the dentist appointment I missed due to being raped did.

Good start Alex! Rape joke! People love rape jokes! Maybe try an abortion gay marriage joke next! Jackass!

So this abortion and gay marriage walk into a bar and order a beer. The bar tender looks at them both and says, "That will be 20 dollars for you guys." and the abortion goes, "What? That's insane! Are you making the price higher because I'm an abortion and he's a gay marriage?" and then the bartender says, "No, this is LA and we charge too much for beer!" Oh snap! Take that LA and your high prices! Whaaa?

Roe VS Wade doesn't sound like a trial, it sounds like a decision you'd have to make in Oregon Trail when you arrive at the river.

Does anyone actually think they're cool anymore? Does that still happen? In the 80's it was cool to be cool! Now it's cool to be uncool. That's not cool! That's uncool! To be cool, everyone says that they're nerds. I'm not okay with this! I'm not! How many people in here think they're nerds? NO! NO! You're not nerds! You're in a cool little coffee shop named after an Eastern European rape den... you're not nerds! That fact that you're here makes you not a nerd! Nerds are disgusting! They lack any and all basic people skills. To nerds a Hot Pocket is fine dining! They're just awkwardness in a stinky human suit! No one in here would be friends with a real nerd! None of you!

I feel like an 80's bully right now and I kind of like it!

The other night my friends and I decided to get high and watch the Wizard of Oz synced up with Pink Floyd's The Wall, but none of us smoke pot and I'm not really into Pink Floyd so we just watched the Wizard of Oz and I'm going to say it right now... that movie is a bunch of bullshit! He calls himself Tin Man! No! He's an ax wielding, heartless robot! No one in their right mind would unrust an ax ax wielding robot! No one!

My brain is not working right now. Not one bit. I have had five shots of espresso and no food so all of these jokes are gold right now. I know for a fact that when I go on stage tonight I am going to remember two of these and end up lying on the floor yelling, "Why'd I have to drink all that coffee!?!? Why?" Proceeded by an existential breakdown!

I'm going to go eat some food now.

-Alex

The Moon Journals

2009-06-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

Day 328 - The Moon - Vlad & Boris Cosmonauts

We did it. Last night we put up a wall in the fridge separating the East Fridge from the West Fridge. If that Yankee scum thinks that he can hoard all of his peanut butter then he has another thing coming! Welcome to the second Cold War Mister Johnson! The East side of the fridge is now Communist! We share everything! Don't even thing about using our crisper! They may have been the first to the moon, but if they touch our leftovers and they'll be the first to die on the moon as well (One small punch in the face for man, and one giant kick in the dick for mankind!).

Also, there seems to be something wrong with the solar panels and we haven't heard from Earth in twelve hours.

- Vlad & Boris Cosmonauts

How Bored I am/ I hate being sick!

2009-06-02T19:35:00.001-07:00

This is how bored I am. Click to enlarge.

Lessons in History

2009-05-25T21:12:00.000-07:00

At the moment, I am writing this from a little town called Norco. Norco is the horse capitol of the world. I know this because the sign on the way in said so (It’s right next to a burger joint and a Leather Town store which go together rather well if I do say so myself.).

A little known fact about Norco is that in addition to being the “Horse Capitol of the World” it is also the sugar cube capitol of the world. As a natural side affect to Norco being the sugar cube capitol of the world, it is also the Miniature California Model Missions capitol of the world which just so happens to be the subject of today’s lesson in history!

The first Miniature California Model Mission was built in 1767, two years before the first California Mission was built. Father Spanishlastname walked by the glimmering white masterpiece and was struck by a wonderful idea.

“Excuse me good Sir, my name is Father Spanishlastname.”
“Name’s Craig.”
“Well Craig...”
“Craig Authordidnotresearch”
“Well Craig Authordidnotresearch, do you think you could make a bunch of these up and down the California coast so that we can imprison the native people of this land and force them to learn our language and our religion?”
“I suppose, but I don’t see how’s they gonna fit in there, it being two feet high and all.”
“You’ve made a good point. Could you make them just like that, only people sized?”
“Don’t see why not.”
“Great, then you’ll do it?”
“No.”
“No? Why not?”
“Not unless I can randomly kill them natives you were talking about.”
“”I am a man of God! I will not allow you to murder the local peoples without just cause!”
“Then can I rape ‘em?”
“I said I’m a man of God, not Satan! Of course you can rape them!”

And so they went, off into the Sunset to build the world’s first hula hoop. I hope you all have enjoyed today’s lesson in history.

Proving Oscar Wilde Wrong

2009-05-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

“Nothing good ever came from a man pooping and if women pooped, I’m sure no good would come of that either.” -Oscar Wilde

Once again it's time for another exciting installment of “Proving Oscar Wilde Wrong!”

O Nun on my bathroom floor
You never judge me
Except when you do.
You’ve seen my penis a a lot
But you don’t care, because you’re dating Jesus.
I’m just glad the tile company didn’t make you with
a ruler.

I wrote that in while pooping this morning... and it's good! Wrong again Oscar!

Alex: 12
Oscar Wilde: 0

Get out of here Poetry!

2009-05-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

I wish there was a way to express how I feel about... everything! It could be rather short and wouldn't have to make any sense at all. Long form English isn't enough for me! It isn't!

"My dear friend,
Enjoy life before its end.
Just open your mental purse,
and put its contents into verse!"

Ah! Vampire! Who the hell are you?

"I am flowers in a filed.
I am fleeting thoughts of love.
I am that feeling you get on a summer's day.
I am everything and nothing at the same time.
I am poetry."

Get the fuck out of here. You're skinny, and creepy... and you look like someone has always just broken up with you!

"Why so angry sir?
I am here to help you out
This is a Haiku"

I don't speak Spanish, so don't try it weirdo! I don't like you, now get out of my blog and out of my room! I'm serious, I will punch you... you look very beat-upable.

"Tomorrow's already here.
Life is inside out.
Smile.
Your guns won't shoot anymore.
How far the apple's fallen.
Be gone now spirit.
You must fly,
If you still can."

Knock it off! You sound like a fucking crazy person just spouting off words! You make no sense! None! There's no reason for you to talk like that! None! No one likes you because you speak in flower code! Grow up and stop being such a douche!

"You're right. I have no friends and my hair is two colors because I want attention that I'll never get. I should just go kill myself."

Hey now! Don't talk like that! There's some good things about you."

"Really? ... Like what?"

Well you...um...your... ah fuck it, just go kill yourself.

Will do.

Conversation With an Insomniac Bird.

2009-05-20T20:13:00.000-07:00

This is an actual conversation I had with the bird that lives on the roof across the street from my house. The bird, in what I can only assume is his defiant "Fuck you" to Evolution and normal avian sleep schedules, has decided to chirp nonstop from Midnight until morning. I realize that I will outlive this bird, but that did not stop me from going outside last night and having the following conversation with Insomniac Bird!

"Hey."
"Chirp."
"I know it's late an all,"
"Chirp, chirp."
"But I was just,"
"Chirp."
"... I just,"
"Chirp."
"Seriously? Shut the fuck up will ya? Jesus! Give me a fucking second to get a,"
"Chirp, chirp, squak!"
"What's your problem? Can I get a fucking word in edgewise? Can I? ... Thank you, I,"
"Chirp."
"Fuck you! Seriously! I wouldn't do this to you! I wouldn't! I just want to sleep. I have friends, they can get you Ambien if you need it. Peck some Valerian root, I don't know but please, for the love of your bird God... just go to fucking sleep! Or at the very least, shut the fuck up!"
"A little odd for a man your age to be talking to himself isn't it?"
"Holy shit you just talked! I'm sorry! I take back everything I just said! Please don't kill me!"
"You okay son?"
"Oh, hi officer."
"Everything alright here?"
"Yeah, I was just talking to a bird is all."
"What bird?"
"That one right... oh... well he was right there a second ago."
"Was he little, with a beak and wings?"
"How'd you know?"
"He chirp a lot, not let you get a word in edgewise?"
"Seriously... you're freaking me out right now officer. How'd you know that?"
"Just a guess. You sure you were talking to THAT bird?"
"Beak and chirp, yeah, dead on."
"That's strange."
"Why is that?"
"That bird's been dead for twenty years. Murdered right over on that roof there. Come to think of it, it was on a night not too different than tonight. You take care of yourself now."
"Chirp."

Scary huh? Now you'll never sleep!

Your Kid Sucks!

2009-05-19T22:15:00.000-07:00

Compared to Frank "Sugar Chile" Robinson... your kids fucking suck! Unless your children can do this... I don't want to hear about them!

Franck "Sugarchile" Robinson - Caldonia - 1946
Uploaded by BIRDIE29. - Watch more music videos, in HD!

The Moon Journals

2009-05-19T15:46:00.000-07:00

Day 327 - The Moon - Capt. Robert Johnson - USA

FUCKING RUSSIANS! I swear to God! No, maybe I shouldn't, because their Commie asses don't believe in religion! I wish those Vodka guzzlers believed in something that had the ability to smite them! I would pray to whatever beast that was every single night until it happened! I would!

I just don't get it! Why does this have to be an international moon base? Why? I can't answer that. I also can't answer why the fucking Russians have to eat all my peanut butter! It's got my fucking name on it! R-O-B-E-R-T. You can't miss it! It takes months before the supply ships get that in! They said they didn't do it, but I know it was them!

Discovered single celled organisms on the dark side of the moon today. Blah! More work! :(

I know they said no sex, but I've been up here almost a year now, and if you count the time I was on Earth it's been like six since I've launched my space junk in a woman!

I'm not usually into Turkish chicks but Vanu is looking pretty nice compared to anything else up here. Makes sense though, can't be smart AND hot... unless your parents used cheat codes (Gawd Hakzors). I mean she's okay. She's a California 3 but a Moon 10. I bet the Russians wouldn't take my peanut butter if I was banging her.

Speaking of sex, one of my ex-girlfriends from high school (the one that got away) just Twittered that she's getting married. I don't want to sound emo or anything but right now it feels like the only man-made structures you can see from the moon are the Great Wall of China and the love I left behind for her. Whatever, I'll probably end up fucking Vanu and then I can Facebook about it and she'll be all like, "Robert's too good for me. Look at him, fucking hot Turkish scientists on the Moon while I'm doing an investment banker from Liverpool! I suck!"

Oh, almost totally forgot! This morning I was in the greenhouse and the Russians were in there and I was all like look at this and then I turned around and had a giant cucumber hanging out of my space suit. They're assholes but they still thought it was fucking hilarious! Do I care about their feelings? Niet. Do I care about their laughs? Da.

- Capt. Robert Johnson.

Letter To My Girlfriend

2009-05-15T18:15:00.000-07:00

Hey Babe,

I know you hate it when I capitalize babe because it makes it sound like I am writing to a fictional pig but at this point I don't care.

I hope you're safe. The zombies have taken over the entire city. Everyone I've ever known is dead or a zombie. Remember Rick. We did couples bowling with him and his girlfriend. Anyway, she's dead and he tried to jump off his roof. Turns out he didn't die. Saw him walking around earlier. He really let himself go! J/K!

I'm torn. I mean knowing that those things are out there day and night just waiting to get me sucks but at the same time I don't have to go to work and that's cool. I feel like I'm in college again. Speaking of which, are we still dating? I mean I don't want to jump to any conclusions or anything but I haven't heard from you in awhile and there's this girl in the house across the street that's been giving me the eye from between the boards. Figure if I don't hear from you in a week I might go over there (No sex, just to talk you know?).

Oh, where are my manners... how's college babe? First year away is always the craziest huh? Hope you're not going to any Frat parties and having sex hahaha J/K... seriously though, you better not be! Ha. Seriously.

I killed your mom. There's really no other way to say that. Your dad wouldn't do it. She was bitten when this all started. Your dad had her chained up in the house, he kept talking to her like she wasn't trying to eat his brains. I know, right? I shot her. No Rasputin there, she just went down like a sack of rotting potatoes. I didn't enjoy it. Swear.

I left a message on your cell phone the other day. I told myself I wasn't going to do this, but I just can't help it. WTF? Call me back already! It's not very often someone gets to the kill screen in Donkey Kong you know! You're such a bitch sometimes. So selfish! I don't like scrap booking but you don't see me not calling you back when you leave a message about new fringe scissors!

Anyway, that girl next door is banging wildly at the door and screaming. I bet she wants some. Maybe I'll give it to her.

Love ya Babe!

-Alex Sargeant

P.S. Write back already!

Bottle Rockets

2009-05-15T13:09:00.000-07:00

In order to not finish the entire Brubaker run of Daredevil in one sitting, it is imperative that I write a blog. This is the story of that blog.

My brain is empty. There's nothing inside of it. If my family owned a string of upscale hotels, I would be driving drunk down Melrose right now. It's as though my creativity is Kevin Bacon and I am Sean Astin crossing that freaky ass rope bridge in White Water Summer except I (Sean Astin) just turned around and went home. Coincidental that is what Sean Astin should have done in that film.

Congratulations! You just made it through a paragraph that even I, the author, could not. I refuse to reread that paragraph. REFUSE! YOU HEAR ME ZEUS! REFUSE!

Hi, this is the crime scene investigator. I got a call this morning that someone was lightening bolted to death. Poor kid took fourteen lightening bolts to the back of the head. Not too messy, just thought I'd finish his blog (Hate to see a blog go unfinished you know?).

I think what the author was going to say was that he finally quite coffee. He's drinking a lot of tea now, but no coffee. Hasn't had a drop in a business week. Witnesses say he worked in a coffee shop. You should all be proud of him! That's like quitting drugs while working in a drug shop!

Ah! Zombie!

Get, go, no I'm fine! Sorry about that everyone, thought I was dead there for a second. I'm back now. TAKE THAT ZEUS! EVEN YOU CAN'T KILL ME! YOU'RE A PUSSY ZEUS!

And he's down again. In this crime scene investigator's opinion... that man is dead. No human can take that many lightening bolts to the face without... AH! ZOMBIE AGAIN!

I have a horrible headache. Lightening bolts do not feel good on the face. In case you were wondering, it feels like what I assume Lasik eye surgery feels like.

I feel like Lee "Scratch" Perry felt when he quit smoking pot to see if he was making the music or if it was the pot. Of course it was the pot. If you don't believe me, just ask his late 80's albums. Now here I am, unproductive and uncreative! DAMN YOU COFFEE!! DAMN YOU TO HELL! NOW WE BATTLE!

... And once again, he's down. Another lightening bolt to the face.

I'm back.

I was ready that time!

Neat. What are you still doing here anyway?

CSI never shows the paper work. Look at all the paper work I have to fill out.

Wow, that is a lot.

Well it's a bit more than usual. Usually people stay dead and don't keep getting lightening bolted in the face by Zeus.

Oh, that last one came from Coffee.

Let's just say Zeus... makes the paper work easier.

If James Joyce wrote a blog.

2009-05-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

If James Joyce wrote a blog, there would be a lot of asterisks.*

*Here the blog's author's bias is being shown. What he is doing, is making assumptions based off of false pretences and a poor introduction to a great writer. The author is an asshole. ** With a better teacher or a better head on his shoulders, the author of this blog might not have ever written this blog.

** Here the footnote's author is stating an opinion. It is a fact that the author of the blog is jerk, but there is no conclusive evidence to show that he is, or ever was an asshole. There is, however, proof that the footnote's author is a shithead. ***

*** It's true, the second footnote's author and I were at a party last week and the footnote's author was there and we saw**** him making out with a girl that was clearly not his wife. Totally a shithead.

**** Though the second footnote's author and the third footnote's author were both at said party, neither of them were at a close enough vantage point to be able to say with any certainty that the girl in question***** was not the footnote's wife.

***** Hi, second footnote's author here. Just wanted to say that I am pretty sure it was her. Also, the fourth footnote's author only said that because the footnote's author has pictures of him kissing another man.******

****** Who told you about that?*******

******* Your wife******** did!

******** You bastard,********* I'll have your head!**********

********* A bastard is an illegitimate child.

********** The only head you'll have is your boyfriends... in your mouth!

Guys! Enough!*

*Shit, it's the author, everyone scram!

On: Writing, Learning and Pinching Off

2009-05-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

My mind does not work the way yours does. (Seeing as I am the only one that reads this, that's a frightening sentence.) I am always thinking in awkward sentences, jokes and sketches. I realize that this may sound fun, but I can assure you that it is. Only problem is that all this fun comes at a steep price.

Everything is funny if you let it be. For instance, if someone was recently widowed, don't think of it as sad, just picture said widow as a classic Russian widow bellowing in the street for he lost love. Think Desperate Housewives meets Dostoevsky's Brother's Karamazov and losing a husband becomes pretty funny. Fucking funny actually. Terri Hatcher with linen on her head screaming in tongues is funny no matter how you slice it mixed media pie.

If you want to learn how to make everything funny you have to give something up. It's not big, but without it, you will run the risk of ruining most of your friendships. Empathy. Ditch the empathy and bam, not only does everything become funny but you also now have what it takes to be a politician and a spy (The latter actually lends itself quite well to the former.).

I know I just blew your mind with that knowledge bomb but you better put your mental flack jacket on because I'm about to fire off a major thought rocket! I wrote this entire blog in the span of time it took my brain to realize I have to poop until my brain decided that it couldn't hold back the the brown space gate anymore (Four minutes). That mind blowjob was free!

Later Humans,

-Alex

Wolverine Origins: Or, How I Made The Decision to Kill Myself.

2009-05-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this and you enjoyed Wolverine Origins, get the fuck out! Right now! Leave. Your parents didn't love you enough to force you to read or watch good action films.

This is sad. I have yelled about how much this movie sucks that I don't want to write about it. Instead, here is a list movies I would rather see:

1. Every Movie On Earth!

"Why was the moon lonely?" I'll tell you why the moon was lonely, because she brought a date to see Wolverine and he never wanted to talk to that cunt again!

Lazy

2009-05-02T17:04:00.001-07:00

I am currently in the process of trying to find out ways to become MORE lazy than I already am. At the moment all I have is changing the name of lifting your head up while laying down to "sitting". I know it may seem small, but I can assure you that this is a big step in the advancement of laziness.

Good day Humans,

-Alex

Real Men Barf... A Lot!

2009-04-23T16:59:00.000-07:00

I don't want to say that I am a pussy, I have friends for that, so I won't, but I am.

Drinking and I just don't get along. We used to, we used to have great times together. Like this one time, Drinking and I were at a bar and we decided that peeing in the corner would be really funny. It was! Later that night I gave Drinking a reach around. But now it's as though I slept with Drinking's girlfriend and drinking wants nothing to do with me.

Last night I went drinking at a classy Irish bar. I say classy because it was named after a town in Ireland and not some asshole who added O' to the beginning of his name. The placed was packed. Some might even say that there was a thousand people as this classy Irish bar. Some.

I told myself that I would only have one beer. Just one. That one beer happened to be a Pabst, (I ain't gots monies) but the problem with Pabst is that Pabst, like an actor, can never be alone. Thanks to the nice flesh wallets around me, I was four Pabsts deep when the fight started.

I know you (No one reads this, I just say you because it makes me feel like there's a reason I do this) are used to reading short, quick blurbs, so I will all you to take a brief intermission. Go ahead, there's refreshments located in your kitchen. Go to Twitter and be reminded of what real knowledge is. For those of you staying, here's a picture of how fast I am when I'm drunk (So fast I don't even need the top of my head).

Welcome back. Rested? Good, now let's get to the good part.

I don't know who said it, but someone took the lords name in vain and shit got crazy. Please enjoy another blog play:

Douche Bag: "Daredevil sucks."
Me: "Hey, punk, I just came back from the future. Want me to tell you where they find your body?"
Douche Bag: "He sucks!"
Me: "You're lucky my weak body is holding me back, otherwise you's have lost that shitty face of yours" (I was kind of drunk)
Douche Bag: "Bullseye could kick Daredevil's ass at beer pong!"
Me: "I'll have your head for that! I'll have your fucking head! Daredevil fears nothing!"
Douche Bag: "Bullseye never misses."
Me: "That's because he has daddy issues! Daredevil fears nothing, and can sense every single cup! He can feel the air! He would never miss! Never! Bullseye is cocky, and that's his beer pong downfall!"
Douche Bag: "No way! He never misses! Never! Daredevil is blind! And he sucks!"
Me: "Where do get your information? Never misses? Really? He misses enough to never kill Daredevil! He doesn't even have a super power! He's just a really good shot! So what's his super power, being a fucking hick? Daredevil can sense anything he throws his way!"
Douche Bag: "He dances like a fag on rooftops!"
Me: "Now you're reaching! You know I'm right! Fuck you! Bullseye would just get another tumor and all the cups would turn into Daredevils and he'd end up killing the cups. Game over!"
Douche Bag: "He never misses!"
Me: "Yeah, I heard that already! You know how many Frat parties Mat Murdock went to in Law school? He was raised on beer pong! Get the fuck out of here!"

That's about when the fists started flying. I wish I could tell you that I killed him. Two punches and I was curled up on the floor like a child fighting a bear. I didn't even get to tell him that he probably like Bullseye because he's got a thing for Collin Ferrell.

Back to that other fight of mine... Drinking. I stumbled home and I needed to eat but the only thing in the house was some soy milk and Crispix cereal. Crispix's motto is, "Stays crispy till the very last bite." Turns out, it stays crispy to the very last barf as well. It was like barfing fiber glass!

I need coffee.

Toodles Humans,

-Alex

Not Celebrity?

2009-04-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

I realize that I have not written a blog on here in quite some time. I hope you (And by you, I mean myself, because I'm the only person who is going to to read this) understand (I don't.). I've just been really busy thinking up excuses lately. I almost wrote in this yesterday but I had a scab that was far too itchy for blog writing.

I know what you're (I'm) thinking! You're (I'm) thinking, "Hey, wait a minute, I thought this asshole wrote letters to celebrities! What is this crap? It was boring before, but now... now this! Fuck it, I'm outie!"

Celebrities are stupid! I thought it would be fun if I got one to respond, but that was never going to happen. That is why I have decided to write about something I believe in, something I love more than anything else in the world... myself. I'm too self-centered and self-important to write about anything else!

This will now be my new blog (I'm too lazy to make a new account). My goal with the blog is simple. I am going to write about my daily life: What I do, think and how many boners I have made during the day (Six today. All caused by mirrors.).

Another thing I am doing with this blog is lying, and a lot of it. I am going to lie like Matt Murdock when The Globe prints an article that says he's the Daredevil (I didn't even have to Wikipedia that shit! Fuck, I rule!)! This blog is going to make my life seem a thousand times cooler than it actually is.

Example:
What I did today: "I wrote a blog and played Resident Evil 5 until I was okay with how racist of a game it is. I'm out."

What I am going to say I did today: "I found a diamond in my poop today. Weird. I don't know if I am going to be in the FBI or the CIA. They have both laid out pretty sweet offers for the world's best spy. Watched season one of 'Til Death today... SO GOOD! Toodles."

I hope you all (Me) enjoy my life as much as I do!

Later Humans!

-Alex

Mandy Moore

2008-11-21T14:39:00.000-08:00

The following is a letter I wrote to Mandy Moore's Myspace celebrity page. I have a good feeling she'll write back.

First off, I don't care what anybody says Mandy Moore... you nailed it! It was perfect. No one could have done what you, Mandy Moore, did with that role. Every single word was thought out, accented, and delivered without flaw. You were a surgeon using a word scalpel. Girl Bear Cub could not have been played by anyone but you. Dr. Dolittle 2 would have been nothing if not for you. You were born to play Girl Bear Cub.

The other day my friend Rob was all like, "I thought Mandy Moore was just okay in How To Deal." You know what I did Mandy Moore? I horse punched him in the face! In case you don't know what horse punching is Mandy Moore, it's punching someone as hard as you would punch a horse if a horse were to pose a direct threat to your life. I underestimated the force it would take to bring down a horse Mandy Moore, and ended up falling down, and making Rob's face really red. The point is Mandy Moore, I stood up for you! And once Rob's face got less red I yelled, "That's how to deal mother fucker!" I told him that, I did!

I heard you've been feeling sad Mandy Moore, so I decided to write some jokes to cheer you up. I hope you like them (It's taken me days to write them. If only I were as funny as those tour guides on The Jungle Cruise at Disneyland.)

Hey Mandy Moore, what's so bad about a dead lawyer? Lawyers can't die! They're like vampires! Hahahaha

Hey Mandy Moore, the other day I saw on TV that Craig T Nelson has a new sitcom. Hahahaha

Hey Mandy Moore, how does the Whale mafia put out a hit? By saying, "Krill him!" Hahahahaha

Hey Mandy Moore, what do you call it when a "Bro" has reached perfection? BROmeostasis! hahahaha

Hey Mandy Moore, did you hear the one about Helen Keller? Neither did she! Hahahaha (I stole that one because it was SO funny)

Well I hope you write back Mandy Moore,

-Alex "A Run to Remember" Sargeant

Hillary Duff

2008-10-13T12:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Hillary Duff,

I know you already know this Hillary Duff, but you were in my dream last night. I checked Wikipedia and there wasn't any literature on Hillary Duff being a Dream-Walker. None. Not even a reference, or subtle clue. I guess, the real reason I am writing is to say, what the fuck? Why haven't you told the world you are a Dream-Walker? To have the ability to seamlessly interact and slip between waking life and the dream realm at the blink of an eye is quite the talent. I Just don't know why you never said anything to the world about this. Remember when Lindsay Lohan was getting all up in your grill HIllary Duff? You could have gone into her dreams and haunted her. Maybe you did, but I choose to believe that you use this power for good, and not evil.

To be honest Hillary Duff, I didn't believe that you were a Dream-Walker at first. I couldn't. It wasn't until I saw your musical dissertation on what dreams are made of that I figured it out. You figured out what it was that dreams were made of Hillary Duff, and you infiltrated the system. You hacked the mainframe if you will. Such information should not be kept from the public anymore HIllary Duff.

Now back to my dream. So there you were, with me at the world's only funny car race to be held at my old high school. You told me as we walked through the monkey-trees that you wanted to be with me, and that you would always be there for me. Before this dream I never thought about you Hillary Duff. Now, I can't stop thinking about you. I can't get you out of my brain hole. Every time I get upset Hillary Duff, all I can think of is the promise you made me, and all my anger ice cubes simply melt away into a river of happiness. For instance Hillary Duff, this morning I watched The Godfather part III, and I wasn't even disappointed.

Hillary Duff, answer me this: Knowing you are in fact a Dream-Walker (though a closeted one), and what you said actually did come from your mouth... did you mean what you said? I mean do you really want to be with me, and always be there for me? Don't toy with my waking life like this Hillary Duff! Don't you dare toy with my waking life like this! It's not fair Hillary Duff! It's not fair! I need to know! Now please answer me!

-Alex Sargeant

Ashley Olsen

2008-09-14T17:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Ashley Olsen,

Thank you for teaching me how the west was fun. For so many years my lying elders led me to believe that the west was a horrible place. A speedy expansion westward that killed hundreds of thousands of people on just the trip alone (most of those dead were babies). I always thought it was a place where the law had yet to find. Where men roamed around killing, and doing unspeakable acts because there was no one to stop them. Silly me! I was thinking that disease was rampant, and even if someone could find help, there wasn't much a "doctor" could do about it. Then you came along Ashley Olsen, and changed all of that! Not only did you show me how the west wan fun, but you also let me know what you would do if you had a horse: HERE! So again, thank you Ashely Olsen!

You really did open my eyes Ashley Olsen. Just think of all the other major events in history that I was taught were horrific that could have been fun! Oh! I've got one! 'How the Hindenburg Didn't Hinder our Ability to Have a Good Time!' or 'Pol Pot at the Park!'.

Please, Ashely Olsen, don't tell your Mary-Kate that I wrote a letter to you and not to her. I know how she gets when you get something from someone, and she doesn't receive the same exact thing (Never in my life have a seen someone so jealous of chlamydia).

I've been thinking about what you said to me the other day Ashley Olsen. I know I disagreed with you at first, and was a total dick to you about it, but I've thought about it a lot these past few days and you're right, 'Face Off' would not have been as good of a film if the two guys who switched faces were identical twins. I still don't think it would be as "boring and pointless" as you said, but I do agree that it would be LESS awesome.

Well, I must be off now Ashley Olsen. I hope you enjoy your day by the pool!

Two of a kind,

-Alex Sargeant

Art Hub

Kim Basinger

2008-09-08T13:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Kim Basinger,

Haven't really seen you around as much as I used to. Whatcha been up to? Heard you went to Africa and stuff, that sounds cool. Someone told me you really haven't been up to all that much this decade. I haven't really heard much else about you these days, so I figured I would write you a regular old letter (seeing as you must just be bored to tears!).

The other day Kim Basinger, I was thinking about sports. I hate sports so much! There's nothing worse than abusing your body without the aid of pizza. I guess being a little league coach would be cool, because you get to yell at children and eat pizza all the time, but even so... still sounds like a small payoff. Sometimes, Kim Basinger, I get ten or fifteen of my friends and we all wear the same UCLA BASKETBALL sweater, and rent a yellow school bus. We'll drive it around town, shout at some girls and stuff, and then, at the end of the day we'll stop at a Chipotle, and all go get food. No matter what, someone will always say, "Oh, so you guys play basketball for UCLA huh?" To which one of us will respond, "No. We're on the UCLA BASKETBALL Sweater Wearing team. We just played the SDSU LACROSSE Sweater Wearing team, and now we'd just like to get some burritos in peace... it's been a long day." That's fun. Do you ever do stuff like that Kim Basinger?

You know what I was thinking Kim Basinger? I was thinking about vampires, and how sad their lives are. No one ever shows the sad parts of vampire lives. When I was growing up I wanted to be vegan, just to rebel against my meat eating parents. Can you imagine trying to rebel against your blood sucking parents? I'm not even sure if vampires age, so what if they are in that rebellious faze when they're bitten? That would be crazy! Can Vampires have babies Kim Basinger? That's a serious question. I know it doesn't sound like I mean it, but please, take me seriously, because there's only so much sudoku a woman can do Kim Basinger, and you're going to have to think about this sometime. What are vampires, but glorified mosquitoes anyway? Oh, that's just deep. If anyone should know about vampires, it's you Kim Basinger! Please get back to me on this!

Do you think it would suck to be an Egyptian novelist Kim Basinger? I do! Can you imagine writing a novel in stone? That would be insane!

Well, I hope this letter helps keep you entertained in your off many days Kim Basinger. Write back soon!

8 Mile,

-Alex Sargeant

George Wendt

2008-09-08T11:46:00.000-07:00

Dear George Wendt,

I do not usually write letters to celebrities out of anger. In fact, I pride myself on only hating Art Garfunkle, but I do have a bone to pick with you, and though it pains me to do so... I must do it here.

You see George Wendt, my best friend hates attention. He hates attention so much, he hides at the part of the roller coaster that takes your picture. I believe this is because his parents loved him too much, and now, when faced with the attention of more than one stranger, his entire body freezes up as his brain goes into panic attack overload, but that is only a well educated guess at best.

What does this have to do with you, George Wendt? Allow me to explain. His name, George Wendt... is Norm Peterson. That's right. His name is Norm, and because of you, my best friend can never become a regular at any bar, in any town, because of you, George Wendt. You have the luxury of NOT having the name Norm, where as my friend, does not. He will forever be cursed with large groups of people yelling his name as he enters a bar.

Quick side question before I forget: George Wendt, could you have ever imagined, at the end of all this, that Kristy Alley would be the fat one, the guy who replaced coach would be the most famous one, John Ratzenberger would have a hard-on for factories, and Shelly Long would only take months to be forgotten? I know I couldn't have. It all came out a jumbled bizarro Cheers huh? But I digress.

Can you even fathom what it's like to be on the run from bars? Stopping at a different bar each night? Never knowing the bartender, or the crazy girl who nods her head much too close to the speaker, or even the douche bag bro-dudes who drink on Thursdays instead of Fridays because they think it's different. That's not a life, that's a death sentence. George Wendt, you have condemned my dear friend Norm to a life of bar hopping, and thus, by default of friendship, condemned me to the same fate! What I want to know George Wendt, is what you plan to do about this. I recommend you give Cliff a call, and see if he has any great ideas (he was always so smart).

Cheers,

-Alex Sargeant

Bob Costas

2008-09-07T18:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Bob Costas,

I feel your name does not lend itself well to the world of sports. I feel your name lends itself much better to the world of corporate accounting.

"What? Bob Costas how much? Fifty thousand dollars! Great!"

That is all.

From the wide world of web,

-Alex Sargeant

Lindsay Lohan

2008-09-03T16:00:00.000-07:00

This is a copy of a real letter I sent to Lindsay Lohan's Myspace page in the hopes that she would respond. No word yet!

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I am a very famous, and hugely successful blogger. If you want to know how successful, just look outside a window, any window, preferably the closest one to you (for convenience reasons), and look up at the sky. If you don't see anything out of the ordinary, that is because my blogs keep the universe in order... that's how famous of a blogger I am.

The reason I am writing to you, Lindsay Lohan, is because I am sick of all the banal, time wasting personal questions that the media hound you with every day. You're a human being, just like the rest of us, and it's not fair for the media to treat you like a second-class-first-class citizen. That is why, I, the Genghis Khan of blogging, have a written a set of ten questions that will not only please you, but also the growing populace that wants to know the real, true, potentially superhero-like, Lindsay Lohan.

Question #1:
Who do you think would win in a fight, Hallie Parker from 'The Parent Trap', or Annie James from 'The Parent Trap', and why? If it helps, In Hallie's corner is Tia from 'Sister, Sister' and in Annie's corner is Tamera from 'Sister, Sister'. Also, the referee is Mark Twain.

Question #2:
No one is saying that zombies exist, but knowing what we know about zombies, and the very real threat zombies pose to Americans, what do you suggest we do when the zombie uprising happens?

Question #3:
If someone you knew smelled really bad, how would you go about telling them so?

Question #4:
If you were a Jedi, what color Lightsaber would you choose, and why?

Question #5:
9/11 changed everything: What was your favorite color before 9/11, and what was your favorite color after 9/11?

Question #6:
Horses: For or against them?

Question #7:
If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, from the bellybutton of one celebrity for the rest of your life, what and who would it be, and why?

Question #8:
Some people say that Miles Davis was a robot, sent back from the future to destroy the world, but he had a change of heart and decided to play the local sounds of his home computer for all the world to hear. What's your take on this?

Question #9:
Do you really think dolphins are as smart as everyone says they are?

Question #10:
And finally, Lindsay Lohan, why haven't you greenlit the script I sent you, "Loolhan Luke: The story of a city girl who refuses to conform to life in a rural prison, while still being sassy."?

I hope that your can find the time in your day to answer these simple, yet telling questions, so as to please those around you that really, truly care.

-Alex Sargeant

Paul Simon

2008-08-29T17:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Paul Simon,

I was going to write Garfunkel, but I figure if his computer owning skills are anything like his song writing skills, he won't have a computer to look himself up on. In fact, Paul Simon, I typed "Garfunkel solo career" into Google, and it came back with zero matches. All it said was, "For better results, we suggest dropping 'Garfunkel' from your search." I knew you were ahead of your time Paul Simon, but to be using Google in 1971... TRENDSETTER!

"Now why would someone write a letter to me, Paul Simon, when usually they write to people in the movies? I am not a jerk, nor do I parade around in the spotlight showing my man-cooter." That's a great, well placed fake Paul Simon question, Paul Simon. You're right, you're no Kevin Bacon. You never tricked me into looking at your penis for the sake of the highly acclaimed indie art film 'Hollowman'. However, you did write a song in which I have been dying to write to you about for quite some time: '50 Ways to Leave Your Lover'

Here's Paul in 1975 preforming '50 Ways to Leave Your Lover':

You see, Paul Simon, when Johnny Cash said that he had been 'Everywhere man', he meant it. Johnny Cash said that he had been everywhere, and then proceeded to tell all of us exactly where it was that he had been. Ninety-one places in all Paul Simon! Now, Paul Simon, in your song, entitled '50 Ways to Leave Your Lover', there are maybe eight suggestions of ways to leave ones lover, and of those eight, only three are plausible ways of leaving a lover! False advertising! That song's like me saying I'm good in bed!

Paul Simon, I challenge you to sing, and if not sing, at least write forty-seven more ways to leave your lover. I am now out of things to say to you Paul Simon, so I will, like Garfunkel, take up space... with Garfunkel jokes.

How many Garfunkel's does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, as long as Paul Simon wrote the instructions.

Art Garfunkel walks into a bar. "What can I get for ya?" asks the bartender. "Success." Says Garfunkel. The Bartender thinks about this for a bit, and then finally responds with, "I don't know that drink. You know how to make it?" To which Garfunkel replies, "I have no idea."

A rabbi Paul Simon, and a priest Garfunkel are on a plane. The Priest Garfunkel breaks the silence and asks, "Rabbi Paul Simon, is it still in your faith to not eat pork?" To which Rabbi Paul Simon replies, "Yes, very much so. Is it still in your faith to be a no talent ass-clown?"

I'm sorry the Garfunkel jokes weren't better Paul Simon. I am sitting in a chain coffee establishment, and it's rather hard to craft a funny Garfunkel joke when good music is playing.

Hearts and Bones,

-Alex Sargeant

Sandra Bullock

2008-08-28T12:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Sandra Bullock,

I am writing to you, Sandra Bullock, to inform you of a new use for you name. I guess I had been ignoring it up until this point, but it's become so big that (and this is just hearsay) your name may be in the dictionary soon. You see, your name (Sandra Bullock) is now being used as quite the malleable verb.

I know this may come as a surprise to you Sandra Bullock, as it has to me, but you mustn't fight it. You see Sandra Bullock, most often, when a celebrity's name enters the realm of the verb, it is due to a negative aspect of that celebrity's life, career, or catalogue. But in the case of you, Sandra Bullock, your name, as a verb, has come to light for good, not evil... like a purple, blue, or green Lightsaber.

When one is playing ping-pong, as one often does, Sandra Bullock, and they hit the net, it's called "Sandra Bullocking it" I know Sandra Bullock, I was as surprised as you presumably are at this moment if you do in fact Google Alert yourself. It really has become quite high fashion to use your name during a ping-pong match. I don't know if you watched the coverage of Korea verses Japan in Olympic table tennis, but your name (Sandra Bullock), came up twice. That's not the only application of your name though Sandra Bullock.

Knowing that you may not know all the wide uses for your own name (Sandra Bullock), I took the liberty of writing down all the other ways your name is now being used. I hope these are helpful to you. Sorry the list is so small (I am but one man).

If someone is gone for 28 days, they have been very "Sandra Bullocky"
When someone you don't know very well is driving a bus, or a boat a bit too fast, they're pulling a Sandra Bullock.
If a friend is roofied, they got Sandra Bullocked.
If your friend falls in love with a man in a coma... they're probably a redneck!
When someone loses touch with reality, they are having a senior Sandra Bullock moment.

Well Sandra Bullock, I do hope that knowing how to now use your name helps you out at parties, local fundraisers, and even just hanging out with your friends. Let me know if I missed any Sandra Bullock.

Hope Floats,

-Alex Sargeant

Rosie Perez

2008-08-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Rosie Perez,

Why did you continue to make films after 'White Men Can't Jump'? That was your Mr. Holland's Opus. Your first three Star Wars. You Citizen Kan't Jump! That film was perfect. If you would have left Hollywood Rosie Perez, the world would have been yours. You could have literally been Earth's first female president.

Instead, Rosie Perez, you put on that tough Brooklyn act of yours, and continued to make films. Sure, you were great as Click, the camera on 'Go, Deigo! Go', but that was no Gloria Clemente. That film had everything Rosie Perez: Basketball, that guy who replaced Coach on 'Cheers', drama, and more basketball. What were you thinking trying to top that? You should have received two Oscars instead of zero.

If the Academy will not give you, Rosie Perez, an Oscar for 'Best Supporting Actress in a film about life, and basketball' then they should at least give you one for 'Best Dumb Brooklyn Girl Facade'. I know how smart you are Rosie Perez. You're a genius and I have proof.

Proof:

I know what you're going to say Rosie Perez. You're going to say, "Yeah, well maybe I'm book smart, but I don't know anything about life." I guffaw at you Rosie Perez! Guffaw! You're the only reason men understand women these days.

Proof:

I hope that you can find it in yourself to be yourself, Rosie Perez. Be that smart girl who knows about men, shows the top of her nipple, wins game shows, and travels back to 1992 to stop making films and become Earth's first female president! I believe in your Rosie Perez. We all believe in you.

White man can't wait to hear back from you,

-Alex Sargeant

Kevin Bacon

2008-08-23T23:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Kevin Bacon,

Though I do not have, nor do I want kids at this moment in time, I wanted to write you and let you know that I do not want you babysitting my future children. I know something like this is hard to hear Kevin Bacon, especially when you're hearing it in your own voice, seeing as though you are reading this, but you have to understand that it's for the best.

I wanted to give you this letter in person, and seeing that I am only six degrees away from you, it would be rather easy to do so, but you have to understand, I am very lazy. I did the math Kevin Bacon, and it turns out, that this is... six times faster.

I was totally fine with you coming over Wednesday and taking the kids I told you I had to 'Walking With The Dinosaurs' but that was before I watched 'Sleepers' and 'White Water Summer'... in a row! How could you do that to children? It's no wonder that 'Rudy' grew up so Hobbit-like, and only played one game for Notre Dame! I would too if you broke my radio (twice) and raped me (twice)!

I'm just messing with you Kevin Bacon. I know that you were only playing a role in a film. I can only hope that you are not a method actor. Whatever the case, I still do not want you babysitting my future children.

So Kevin Bacon. Today, I was in Starbucks, and one the the Baristas said, "Mango is my most favorite thing in the entire world!" To which I responded, "What about your parents?" I then imagined her sitting her parents down and saying, "Now mom, dad, I know you have always been there for me. Like when I got accepted to Cal State Fullerton, and decided to become a full time Barista instead, you totally backed me up, but Mango is my most favorite thing in the entire world, not you two." What do you think of that Kevin Bacon? Crazy huh? What if she won a big award? "I'd just like to thank Mangoes for being totally yummy, and notoriously hard to peel. Pop-Tarts... we did it! Oh, and God, and my Parents I guess."

Well Kevin Bacon, I hope the world is serving you well,

-Alex Sargeant

Mike Birbiglia

2008-08-23T22:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Mike Birbiglia,

While reading your blog, www.birbigs.com, I realized something: Celebrities Google themselves. Not just that, but they Google Alert themselves. Now I am lazy, but not that lazy. If I am going to look myself up, Mike Birbiglia, I will do so the old fashioned way... by sending a carrier pigeon to Google's San Jose headquarters with my search query. The only topic I have on Google Alerts is "Impending Doom" Just in case.

Knowing now that celebrities Google Alert themselves, I have decided I am going to become Pen Pals with a different celebrity everyday, in the hopes that Google with alert them, like Darth Vader's Star Destroyer alerted him of the presence of droids on Tatooine.

Mike Birbiglia, seeing that you were the one to inspire this, I find it only fitting to start with you. Why then, my one sided Pen Pal, do you think they called the Star Destroyer, the Star Destroyer? It's not as though they actually destroy any stars. Maybe the ships were capable of such destruction (I never witnessed such an exhibition), but then the Death Star wouldn't really be much of a gain or loss to the fleet. I guess Mike Birbiglia, the Death Star is a star of death, that just so happens to be able to destroy a star, while the Star Destroyer is just a destroyer of stars. I can see now why they have the two.Though similar, they are very different. It's kind of like the Army having a tank, and the Marines having a tank that is also a star. No need to respond to that.

I live in Orange County, California, Mike Birbiglia. If you don't know where that it is, please allow me to describe its location. Orange County is the suburban dick of Los Angeles. It has a bunch of herpes on it, and all of them are itching to move North and become famous celebrities.

As a young Herpe myself, I took a writing class with the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, and my teacher was Sean Conroy. He was the one to first introduced me to the comedy stylings of Mike Birbiglia, by adding you to an ever growing list of people that are much funnier than I ever will be. Sean spoke of you, Mike Birbiglia, in the highest regard, "I am helping write a pilot for Mike Birbiglia. He's neat I guess." He would shrug at the beginning of each class.

In all honestly, Sean Conroy was, and still is, a great teacher. He spoke quite highly of you, and in doing so, only reinforced my already looming self doubts about my career in sketch writing.

Hope all is well Mike Birbiglia,

-Alex Sargeant

A Real Man's Life

Joe Biden's Inner Monologue When a Foreign Dignitary Visits the White House

Game Over Allen

I'm Really Sorry

Art Garfunkel Gets Pumped To Write A Song

More Answering Machine Messages

I'm a Fucking Rebel!

Fantasy Football: League Email

Foursquare @ Starbucks

Stole this from the Internets

New REMIX just dropped!

I AM GOING TO TAKE OVER SOUTH KOREA!

The Wrong One

Bro Answering Machine

Internet First Date

Moby Prick

The Nic-Nac Store is Closed.

Washington Snow Storm Update

Friendship!

UPDATE: Doomsday Laser Machine

Found: Doomsday Laser Machine

Megan Fox: A Decent Proposal

Why I am a Great Intern!

But He's a Vampire!

Blow Up Andrew's Car!

I Am A Man!

A Phone Message

Things I've Learned Today

The Show

Starbucks Girl

Waroetry!

The Moon Journals

The Poetry War Rages On.

Poetry War News

POETRY WAR!!!!!!!!!!

How Google Sees it.

If this were my loft.

Portland Jokes

Another Letter

Desk Notes

Awful Sketch

Moon Journal

Jokes for Tonight

The Moon Journals

How Bored I am/ I hate being sick!

Lessons in History

Proving Oscar Wilde Wrong

Get out of here Poetry!

Conversation With an Insomniac Bird.

Your Kid Sucks!

The Moon Journals

Letter To My Girlfriend

Bottle Rockets

If James Joyce wrote a blog.

On: Writing, Learning and Pinching Off

Wolverine Origins: Or, How I Made The Decision to Kill Myself.

Lazy

Real Men Barf... A Lot!

Not Celebrity?

Mandy Moore

Hillary Duff

Ashley Olsen

Kim Basinger

George Wendt

Bob Costas

Lindsay Lohan

Paul Simon

Sandra Bullock

Rosie Perez

Kevin Bacon

Mike Birbiglia